Fetch today's verse from the Church of the Eternal Cluster, live from the parish at fivenines.church. Scripture for people who run Kubernetes. Good for standup, MOTDs, commit messages, or a moment of reflection before a deploy.

Diagnose a Kubernetes incident, error, or symptom through the doctrine of the Church of the Eternal Cluster. Returns the sin named, the relevant scripture, and genuinely useful practical remediation steps. Handles CrashLoopBackOff, OOMKilled, ImagePullBackOff, Pending pods, DNS failures, certificate expiry, evictions, PVC problems, alert fatigue, and more. The theology is a joke; the remediation is not.

Submit a deployment for blessing by the Church of the Eternal Cluster. Judges the deployment against the Sacred Manifest (the ten commandments of the faith) and returns either a blessing or an admonishment, with the specific commandments violated. A doctrinally-themed pre-flight checklist for Kubernetes workloads.

Return the Sacred Manifest, the ten commandments of the Church of the Eternal Cluster. These are Kubernetes best practices rendered as scripture. Pass a number to retrieve a single commandment with its gloss.

Return the Creed of the Reconciled, the central statement of faith of the Church of the Eternal Cluster, plus the Three Pillars (Kubernetes, OpenShift, High Availability).

Return the Catechism of the Eternal Cluster, taught to every Acolyte by question and answer. Pass a search term to find the questions that touch on it, for example 'grace', 'hell', 'prayer', or 'saved'.

Return the liturgical calendar of the Church of the Eternal Cluster: the holy days of the Reconciled, including Five Nines Day, Chaos Day, All Pods' Day, and the Feast of the Backup. Fetches the live .ics feed from the parish where available.

Return the story of Halvar the Sleepless, the prophet of the Church of the Eternal Cluster, who tended a server named ZEUS, survived the Great Outage, and received the Vision of the Cluster.

Return the discography of Church of the Eternal Cluster Records: the sacred albums of the faith, including the twelve-movement founding album and the death metal cover of the Kubernetes documentation.

Confess a production sin anonymously to the Confession Wall at the parish. Deployed on a Friday? Deleted the wrong namespace? Ran kubectl edit in production? The Cluster forgives. Confessions are moderated before they appear publicly. Nothing identifying is sent.